[ 20.8.02 ]
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Which Firearm are you? |
Okay, I'm slightly more happy about my mom. We got the computer working. It was a pain, but my mom was pretty cool about it once it was all worked out. I just can't really see myself not living here anymore. Crazy, you know?
Val [12:40 PM]
[ 17.8.02 ]
I'm moving out on the 22nd of August -- this coming Thursday. I'm going to college.It's a good thing too, because my mom is driving me nuts. She seems to have the idea that she's having to take care of all my problems for me because I don't worry enough.
Wha-huh? Since when do I not worry enough? I worry freaking more about more subjects than she has ever thought about worrying about.
The most recent deal is a computer thing. My bro told me he'd get me a computer (just the computer for my graduation). He did- it's used, but you know.
We hooked up the whole system last night, and we couldn't get in b/c apparently we have to have a password or some such shit. So what do you want me to do about it? Freak? Like you?
If I talk to her, she'll just get all over me for not freaking enough, or she will start talking to me about how awful this whole situation is. What, you want both of us to be miserable? Yeah, it sucks. I know. I'm well aware of this. But I can manage. She's pissed and losing it, partly just because I'm not doing the same.
Fuck it. I don't need to worry that much. Life sucks and I keep that outlook with me at all times. I just expect the worst to happen from everything. That way if the worst does happen, then I'm prepared for it. And if something good happens, I get a treat. Joy.
I'm ready to leave. I'm ready to get out of this freaking place of fucking hell.
Walls close in
ground falls away
sinking sand
falling
Roof collapses
night obscures all
no moon, no stars
dark as hell
sliding into the pit
gasping for breath
not enough air
not enough room
solid ground now--
but things keep falling
covering me
like dirt in a grave
and realizing
horror upon horror
my grave
my death
town killed me
mom killed me
life killed me
fear killed me
trapped in the dark
a small dark hole
only consolation
I didn't kill me
earth is hell
while I live--
hell is here
burning slowly
lungs burning,
I claw at the dirt
it's all around me
filling me
filling my mouth,
ears and lungs
gasping I pull away
finding nowhere to go
and finally,
when all is lost
the darkness covers
completely
and suddenly I see
it got to me,
but I didn't give up
here I am
I lost,
but didn't quit
life lost
but soul won.
Val [12:59 PM]
Look at that man. That is Evan Williams. Founder of blogger.com. He looks really dark in that pic. That's cool. I think he's rather handsome too.
Val [12:27 PM]
[ 13.8.02 ]
The anniversary is coming up.Today is August 13th, 2002. In less than a month, it will be September 11th, 2002.
Damn.
Val [2:49 PM]
[ 5.8.02 ]
Scared
I'm scared. I'm scared about a lot of things, but mostly things that involve my ability to exercise willpower.
I have two problems (well, I have more than that, but not enough time to discuss all of them at any sort of length).
1st of all, I have a bad stomach problem called IBS. That stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. It comes partly from genetics and partly from stress. I stress out about waaaaaaay too many things. I worry about every little detail.
I feel that if I could somehow exercise the slightest bit of willpower in deciding that I actually really don't need that piece of pie, I could somehow gain more control over my life.
The control that I need help with is the 2nd problem. I'm a procrastinator. I'm worried that I'm going to do that at college this year and really screw up. So far in my life I've just sort of slid by on natural smarts. I haven't had to do a whole lot of anything to keep up (except in a few rare occasions).
If only somehow I could find that extra center of strength inside myself, I feel that I could do anything with my life. I just need to find the willpower to say, yes I can do that, and do it right now!
But I've already failed on the first problem so far this month. I ate some KFC chicken and am now suffering for it. I had horrible stomach cramps and whatnot because of it, and managed to lose a bit of weight. I now weigh 136 lbs, whereas last month, I weighed 141 lbs. I know that I was trying to lose weight, but honestly, there are way better ways of doing that!
If I can't even steer myself clear of eating a piece of chicken, then how am I supposed to make myself not put things off too much? I don't want to fail. I don't want to do bad. I want to do the best that I can. I want to apply myself. But will I let myself?
I am my own greatest enemy. I take myself down. I could do lots of things if it weren't for myself.
Val [11:49 AM]
