[ 24.8.01 ]
I.......................................................am......................... .............................so........................................................ .........freaking....................................tired.................................
It........................................is.................................not....... .......................................even................................funny.
Val [4:15 PM]
[ 21.8.01 ]
Here it is.
I got this off of a friend of mine:
This is the DSM IV criteria for BPD for those who think they might have it. And, remember, don't self-diagnose.
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
Val [9:30 PM]
I mean, I don't think that I have BPD..for one thing, you can't be diagnosed until you're 18..and you can't self-diagnose yourself..plus, there are like 9 signs of it. You have to have 7 of those signs..which I might list tomorrow if I can find the list.
But I'm not..I don't have BPD. I'm pretty sure.
Oh and if you're reading this, Ms. Burris, hi.
Val [7:30 PM]
[ 20.8.01 ]
Traits involving identity
5. Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in at least two areas. These areas can include self-image, sexual orientation, career choice or other long-term goals, friendships, values. People with BPD may not feel like they know who they are, or what they think, or what their opinions are, or what religion they should be. Instead, they may try to be what they think other people want them to be. Someone with BPD said, "I have a hard time figuring out my personality. I tend to be whomever I'm with."
6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Someone with BPD said, "I remember describing the feeling of having a deep hole in my stomach. An emptiness that I didn't know how to fill. My therapist told me that was from almost a "lack of a life". The more things you get into your life, the more relationships you get involved in, all of that fills that hole. As a borderline, I had no life. There were times when I couldn't stay in the same room with other people. It almost felt like what I think a panic attack would feel like."
That's me..except on #5..I sometimes feel like that.. but other times I want to be my own person..and I feel outcast when I try to do that.
And #6.. wow. That is completely me.
Val [5:59 PM]
Okay, pissed again I am.
Warning..never smack yourself in the head while wearing a watch.. argh.
Umm..I have had some problems with SI..in the past years..I'm not back to the knife anymore..but I still do stuff like smack myself in the head..and dig my fingernails into my skin very hard.
Here is a website some of friends with the same problems have found.. We chat another place, though...if you want to visit us. Feel free to do so.
Val [5:12 PM]
[ 16.8.01 ]
Okay, I'm better. I think. I talked to my band director, and gave him some of my really depressing poems. In fact, I think I gave him all of my poems. He asked if he could find someone to help me. I said, sure.
So today, because of that talk, I got called up to the Guidance Office. I talked to a counselor up there. It was..truthfully? A little scary.
But she offered me the position as manager of the girls' soccer team this coming spring. It does sound interesting. But I've never been involved in anything after school. I mean, other than football games-- marching band. I told her I'd think about it.
She also said that she had to tell my mom about my suicidal thoughts back in the 6th grade. That made me mad. And scared. I don't want mom to know. I DON'T. Damn it.
Val [4:10 PM]
[ 12.8.01 ]
And I was in another funky mood last night. It seems that when you are depressed, there aren't any places to turn to. I mean, I made friends last night with a bunch of other depressed people...but they really can't help me much, now can they.
So I went looking for websites on Depression. And I found a few..but they were all about toll free numbers you can call..blah blah blah. I can't call. Mom would find out. I especially can't call at 12:30 am. So I need a link or a mailto link that I can just e-mail someone and talk to someone. And none of these websites have any of that kind of thing. I'm going over the edge and you're telling me to call someone! That might make sense to some people..but not to me. I can't talk. I mean, I can, but not about this stuff. I can write. I can ask. I can't call people up on the telephone at 12:30 in the morning..
Val [12:54 PM]
[ 10.8.01 ]
when you have too much time to think..you start thinking about stuff..
whether you want to or not.
I'm just going to ramble..don't mind me.
so when you go to a teen help site..you go there for advice, friendship..help. And when you try to submit what's going on in your life, the site says it can't take anymore stories until tomorrow..
so I'm like WTF. why the freak would I be visiting here now..if I didn't freaking want to talk..you know now.
and fuck it all..I'm just in one of those moods..those fucking moods. The ones where I don't even want to look at the computer screen as I write this..but stare off into space while pondering which thing to feel..
whether I should be pissed or sad..or want to beat myself up..or beat someone else up. Tear something up. Rip it, slice it, pull my hair our, scream, shout...curse. It's like Fuck it all to hell. and why the Fuck should I care because I fucking am seriously pissed. But pissed doesn't even begin to explain it.
And not just pissed but..really, really pissed. Because I started thinking on what I missed out. Because of my freaking parent's freaking fucking divorce oh fucking 5 years ago. well fuck them. I don't mean that. Yes I do.
they didn't care..they had no feelings in the first place. How the Fuck do you stay freaking married for Freaking 22 years and suddenly decide..you know, I Fucking don't care anymore.
Well fuck them.
I care. I shouldn't..but I freaking care. And I hate..I freaking hate the whole freaking business.
Get this, my dad.. is remarried. of course.
He's willing to go halfway across the country to visit his wife's freaking [b]DISTANT[/b] relatives..but not willing to come see me. Oh and he'll be passing by really close. He said he MIGHT freaking come by and visit. MIGHT. Freaking distant relatives and he MIGHT come and visit his only freaking [BIOLOGICAL] daughter.
Well, I freaking get pissed. whole deal.
LISTEN! If you ever get a freaking divorce, do me a favor. If you have kids, tell your kids that you are getting the freaking divorce! Don't leave us hanging.. we care too. And it woulda been nice if I would have had some freaking INKLING of a clue that they were even thinking about getting a divorce. Hell, I didn't even know that they were separated. Freaking parents..always trying to run it their way.
And you know..sometimes that works. But in the mind of this here demented, pissed 17 year old girl... it freaking sucks.
If you read this. great. I'm happy.
Val [10:57 PM]
[ 4.8.01 ]
It's back! Glory! It's back. :)
Val [9:46 PM]
I miss this page
Val [9:44 PM]
[ 1.8.01 ]
Blogger is having major problems right now!
Val [5:27 PM]
help?
