LCH#2

[ 26.12.01 ]

 

And the problem of course is that since I was forced into an emotionless shell at a semi-early age, I was forced to take out my emotions in less expected ways. It seems that I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. I was cursed with a very thin shield for my emotions through middle school. By the time I was about halfway through the 7th grade, the shield had grown very thick indeed. It let very fews things through to my still ever soft insides. So when things actually made it through, all hell broke loose. I held in things for so long that when they finally reached a critical breaking point, I had no outlet for my fury. So I mostly took it out on myself. I'd been taught for so long by society that I was weak and powerless, I apparently bought into the idea that I could not hurt another soul. That I couldn't tell someone else that I was mad at them without drawing unwanted attention to myself. And so I was cursed. And so the bruises live on. They were buried for 3, 4 years at the most. But they finally reached visibility. Hell broke loose once again when they did. But that time, they reached out for a listening ear. Someone who did care. And I inflicted pain on that person once again like I had so many years ago. I scared that person so many years ago. I wasn't willing to inflict my own soul's wounds on another person. But I had forgotten what I had done. So I did it again. And now there is no one left. No new person that I dare inflict pain on. No person that I know would actually care and not immediately send me to a loony hospital right then and there. Biting, clawing, screaming. I'm more of a wild animal than a civilized person. I watched Shine today. Being crazy seems a whole lot more fun than being miserable and normal. So maybe I was a bit crazy. It was a show mostly. All a show. But now I fear that the slippery edge that I have for so long stood upon has finally crumbled. So now I slide into the forbidden pit. The bottomless hole of my psyche. And my arm, my body bears witness to the suffering that I have unleashed upon myself. Everytime I move that arm, I feel the pain that comes from the numerous bruises. It's just a reminder not to screw up again. But over and over and over I do mess up. And over and over and over again I do need a reminder. Who would intentionally screw up?

Or maybe it was just anger for those others that I unleash the pain upon myself that I really wish could go out upon those horrid beings that rip my soul from its very foundations. Perhaps in hell they will get what they deserve. Or maybe because I hate myself so very badly/horridly, I myself will end up in the same place.

Val [11:58 PM]

[ 25.12.01 ]

 

Of blasted bears of bearing belts
That float the fleeting flying fleps
Of courting bastards that rule the day
And never feel that they have their way.

The horned holy hard old hold
Went further for and farther fold
And cowards were that which
Bravehearts were not.

And hating all,
I said to the horribly, hellish depths of hell
"Free me o' God, from which I know not.
There's nothing left for me on this twisted planet."

God in hell? the thought blasphemes itself.
the icy depths of the wasteland that is that which we reside.
of horribly scarred demons and freaks alike
which aren't the evil ones at all

And which are they society deems pure?
Show those that society feels broken and lost.
They cry to o God of heaven and earth,
from broken wastelands of broken thought.

Crumbling angels have broken down.
and fly to the earth and sky from which they are bound
bright lights no more, have all gone dim
lost in the fiery fields of sin.

sowing seeds of sorrow
and flocks of floods
flying without pain for lost deeds
melting for moods that never rang true.

Biting and tearing the flesh from our bones
the teeth that were good, are not anymore
They feed on the fears of all the good people
and the fears feed on them, of being found out.

Ripping and spraying the rooms with damnation
crying out in words and flowing with temptation
hellish fury we display our thoughts
deaf ears do listen, to silent pleas.

And blowing winds do arise
burning with incense and pride
Vain-like hope for tomorrow morn
hating all and feeling most forlorn.

Bruised skin and broken bones
pained mind and broken spirit
Hypocrisy reigns and evil is good
and good is hidden behind the true evil

and i don't know which is which
the good seems so good
the evil seems so evil
and both switch places

Cowards are brave souls
and demons are beautiful
and beauty is cast out. . .
And I Am Afraid.

Val [11:00 PM]

 

I weighed 124 lbs. before Christmas. I wonder what it is now?

Val [10:44 PM]

[ 18.12.01 ]

 

So I weigh 126 lbs. Fun. Really. I'm actually kind of hungry. Maybe I'll eat something?

Val [8:44 PM]

[ 13.12.01 ]

 

Flowing without words
growing without sound
living without presence
having no one around

I feel the icy breath of death
upon my open ear
and I think of wonders of the sea
coming ever so near

what wondrous fates do appear
and smiling dolphins wave
and great big monsters do arise
across the salty sea

oh help me when my fire burns
and everything is clear
and no one ever gets what they want
or what they truly deserve

oh help me God, the one true God
of wonders and the fear
of unknown worlds and unknown smiles
and unknown great big tears

in crumbling castles and broken rooms
and stinking old wood beds
and in my floating castle upon the open sea
the wind whips out to me

whispering of thousands of voices
and calling in great pain
and wishing for the one true thing
that I will never gain

and wondering where it went
that I should live out here
and thinking of thorned flowers
and barren empty fields

I cry alone to open moors and
feel as if I will
if you don't mind, it's time to go
and never mind the tears

and while I'm gone
I'll think of that
of open seas and trees
and never mind the daffodils

Winter has come to rest its merry
head upon my door
and I shall die now
never more, across the frozen shore.

Val [7:04 PM]

 

Oh God, I don't know what's wrong. I'm on the verge of being hysterically nervous/antsy, and I don't know why. I understand that I have an exam tomorrow. It's European History Honors. Okay. Fine. I don't think that's what I'm nervous about. I can't think of what it is. I'm in a complete mindblock. Oh God, help me. I'm scared and I don't know why. I feel like jumping up and crying and screaming and throwing up and freaking and dying and shaking and hyperventilating all at the same time. Mostly I feel like crying though. And damn it, I don't know why the fuck this is. Oh God, help me! And I don't feel like being cheerful or making conversation or answering questions. I just feel like dying or freaking out and throwing up. Oh God, help me. I don't know what to do. I feel more deranged than usual. Oh God. Save me please. Help me, for I am your child, and I don't know what is going on.

Val [6:49 PM]

[ 3.12.01 ]

 

I panicked today. I freaked out. I lost it. I went overboard. I did something that I promised myself that I'd never do again. Self-injury. Perhaps you have heard of it. I promised myself. I promised Mr. Hendrick. But I didn't listen to myself. Once again, the great Valerie is good at telling other people what to do, but can't follow her own rules. I actually bit myself. On the hand. Man, that sounds horrible. It hurt too. But that's weird. Usually it doesn't hurt, not like that. Yes, I have done it before. I think I must have gotten a nerve or a pressure point or something. Damn. The section of my hand in-between my pointer and middle fingers hurts. It started when I bit myself. I don't know what I did. But it hurt like hell. In fact, it almost still does. Except for the fact that it's slightly numb. That's bad. I don't know why it's numb. It hurts, yet there's a section on my hand that is numb. Good grief.

I tried going to the Guidance office right after. I was freaking out. I can't believe that I tried to talk to one of the counselors there. The one that doesn't know any of my history. How could I have been such a moron? To tell her? Oh my God. How could I have done that? I tried to wait for Miss Burris to come back (she was off somewhere). I tried to wait. But people kept coming in and saying hi or asking if I knew where Miss Burris was or distracting stuff like that. I felt like everyone was staring at me when all I wanted to do was crawl into a ball in the corner somewhere. I honestly felt like I wanted to disappear from sight. . . be it through death or what, I didn't know. I just wanted it to end.

Val [5:26 PM]





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