[ 21.6.02 ]
Ah, So
Ah, so I had a therapist who told me that I use humor to avoid serious topics.
Ho hum.
Hey, did you hear the one about. .
Oh wait, that's humor. I was supposed to be serious just then, wasn't I.
Bullshit. Everything is bullshit.
Life, school, friends. . . the future.
All of it. Fucking bullshit.
I was taking care of some animals this week, when I went into the girl's room. The daughter of the people whose animals I was taking care of. She moved here when she was about 8. I moved here when I was 10. She has pictures of all her friends on her walls.
So many friends.
Why?
We came here almost at the same time- almost at the same age; yet she's so happy.
What did I do that was so wrong? What did I do to screw up?
BTW, my newest therapist decided that I was a passive aggressive. I think I'm in an incredibly passive mood right now.
You should have seen me last night. I was falling into a bad mood.
Into a bad mood because of the movie, Batman Forever! Sheesh.
It came to me then, my inspiration did.
It's better to have your parents murdered (in front of you or not), because then you will remember them as being wonderful. They were stolen from you.
But then, if your parents get a divorce or some such crap, then you forever hate/despise your parents/parent.
So maybe my dad should have died/been murdered when I was younger so I could still think of him as a great guy. As it is, I never see him, but he's still among the living.
Lucky me.
Bruce Wayne always missed his parents- his father, his mother.
Well, I missed my dad for a while, maybe I still do, but fuck it, I'm an adult now. So fuck him.
Val [11:57 PM]
Below Where Words Can Touch
I try to speak
to explain
to talk
words don't express
my thoughts
my pain
the pain reaches down
hurts my soul
hurts my brain
pain so deep
it flows through my heart,
like a river in hell
staring glumly down
all alone
by myself
all the time
hurts the heart
hurts my soul
helplessly I sit
time goes by
nothing released
soul in hell
words in mouth
heart torn into strips
like a claw that reaches
into my throat and
clamps my breath
try to swallow
to react
to move
I try to lash out
to hit
to scream
Nothing
alone with my thoughts
words don't explain
hands shaking with pain
or rage
or sadness
eyes burn with tears
that drop down,
breaking silently
inside it hurts
all the time
just can't express
the pain I feel
the wounds I feel
alone, by myself.
Val [11:37 PM]
help?
